Saturday, November 13, 2004
9:21PM - A long while.
Hi, John.I have returned again. Did you miss me? Since I've been gone a lot of things have happened: I am in touch with both relatives of Heather O'Rourke and Judith Barsi! I am still proudest of Trixy, J.'s best friend. I hope Trixy calls me back soon today. I have friends named Jeff and Sandy and Ron and...I'm just excited. I really miss Diemo, though. I hope he is okay and not in any kind of trouble. I will pray for him tonight. I really hope he is okay.
Current mood: worried
Current music: You Don't Know Me as sung by Ray Charles
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Friday, January 23, 2004
12:16PM
Dear John,It's been a while, I know. On Tuesday, I saw David again for fitting. He said I looked so cute in plastic. :) He should've taken a picture like he said he would. I'm going to ask S. if I need to bid for him. Signing off for now.
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Monday, October 6, 2003
8:35PM
Dear John,Today was a little less ordinary. By that I mean a couple of things.1. David Russell, all around wheelchair genius came over (bringing tea, of course) and finalized my new chair settings and features. Commentary: He is an extremely sweet man. A little afraid to loosen up when presented the opportunity, but that's no big deal; he was after all, on the job. I'm not saying I expected him to take off this shoes and put his feet up on my desk while I got him a beer, but...I like to see what I can ease him into sharing.He again told me I was a very bright lady, which I do appreciate, but I get the feeling it impresses him a bit too much, like when your parents dig the fact that you have the skill to use the bathroom by yourself. Again, no big deal, really.I do wish he could've stayed a little longer to drink tea with me, though I do understand all too well when one must leave for a long trip away. Mom got me used to saying goodbye on very short notice. I will see him again for the actual fitting process but for an odd and very social reason I want to spend time with him outside of wheelchairs and business just to get to know him on a much more personal level. I feel intuitively that he is more than worth getting to know as a person, as the special David he is, not just as a therapist or wheelchair mechanic, but as a....friend. Something about him makes me want that. I hope he does not mind that. I was, considering my flirtatious spirit and giddy manner, reasonably well-behaved and courteous. I am fond of thinking (although the rest of the world may not agree) that I have an open heart and am willing to show everything to those who come in my world. At times, I know I must seem cold and distant to others around me who do not venture too closely for more than a chat. Hopefully, this is not my overall impression on people I come into contact with. I mark this enocounter with Daivd as (I do not wish to use the term "successful" as it is rather subjective and confusing) as lovely. Perhaps this, also, is too bold a term, but unlike the former, it is plain in its meaning and defines the experience aptly; moreso than I can express any further. 2. Diemo Pulss is now a very close friend; closer than I ever anticipated. I fear most, John, that I will lose him one day, which saddens me beyond all reason and eloquence. The present is indeed all we can control and is most worthy of our attention. As this moment passes, I think on what he means to me. Come what may, he is my friend until I pass on to the next world.My ideas and works are terribly malnourished as of now; how do I expect to createwithout the means neccessary or the inspiration? My moments will come, I suppose.
Current mood: thankful
Current music: Blackbird by The Beetles
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Thursday, October 2, 2003
7:35PM
http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/cfspen/lst?.dir=/Celia&.src=ph&.order=&.view=t&.done=http%3a//f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/
Current mood: accomplished
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7:21PM
For those who say I have no life or little of one to live this is my reply: how can you now breathe my air, think my thoughts, dream my dreams and claim you have not lived? How can you say that you have burned my candles through the wick, how can you feel you have rolled my tears? What right do you have to stand in my skin? Comparatively so, perhaps you have seen things so mighty, real or terrible as to shut me up and off but not still my blood or run it cold. What is so better about what you see that I cannot be me and say that I too have been on your earth as you so boldly call it? Why are you so special that you make that claim? I am no more special, real, or fantastic a soul than any, so why am I different and what makes you the same? I have not sang, nor thanked, nor loved, nor heard, nor felt more deeply than the likes which you stem from. The difference is this: what I choose to do about my hurt. What of babies never born yet in their mother?s wombs had suffered a death before their life in your world that you so vivaciously absorb? Can you say now they had more want to live than I? Or would you say they never wanted this from the start? Oh, there?s a belly-laughing joke. Are you so cocky, haughty, self-indulgent, indignant--you call me wretched, peevish, petty? Who can say they have out-lived you at 17? Anyone. That?s right. Just like you.They call me an old soul where I come from. Let me bore you by telling you why. Once upon a time, some angels got together and said, "The world is too exciting! We covet the lives of those terrestrial beings!" And so I was unborn. Yes, unborn. Too dull and drab and sluggish to be born. I wasn?t even attached; they saw no need for that. They figured I must pass as quickly as possible for you born sort. And, so according to plan, my soul has ripened and rotted at my age of 19. Just call me a stereotypical, rug-burned Jew. What is living? What is a life? And how would only you know? The only people who never live are those that never realize the world is more than just one place. Who has lived now? That?s right. Everyone.
Current mood: cranky
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Saturday, August 16, 2003
8:49PM
Dear John, Feeling kind of sad right now as my day winds down; I don't mean to say or imply that my day was bad in any way. It was in fact quite good. I updated my Return to Oz site, and submitted a quiz on it for the more hardcore fans.Heather O'Rourke is still almost fully on my mind and haunting me...in a good way, though. I just can't get over her being dead at 12. I never could. Updated message board with a lot of info on Chron's Disease and some on Intestinal Stenosis. I hope that helps all others with questions that they may have on how Heather died.S. and I are growing closer I think. I love him so. I can't really describe the way he makes me feel, because just to say that he makes me feel loved or wonderful is an understatment of the worst kind, and I don't want to short-change the person he is by saying that. I guess it's all "part of the experience" whatever that really means. I only know enough to say that I am in love and even if it doesn't pan out, I can always look back and smile on the happy memories he has given me.I'm nervous about my mom, sister and aunt coming here and I really can't explain why. I just really want them to have a great time with me here. Here's hoping.....
Current mood: morose
Current music: Sara by Bob Dylan
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Friday, August 15, 2003
3:02PM - Heather O'Rourke
Dear John,I'd like you to meet someone I never knew. And yet, I've become a little something like her messenger, a storyteller. She came to me in several dreams. Some of my other friends say that she didn't really, but I know she must have or I wouldn't be doing what I have been doing for the last five years. It was as clear as flesh. She came to me and told me to help her. So, I have to stop short of saying that I am self-appointed as a messanger, but I will neither say she herself appointed me. This someone is Heather O'Rourke. She, though she died so young, seemed so genuinely happy and full of life right up to her last breath. It still burns me like the fires of Hell that she only lived 12 years. This was a terrible injustice for the world. She wanted so much to grow up and be a mother and film director; maybe win an Oscar someday. If she lived longer, she would have done these things most certainly.Sometimes I cry about it and miss her like she had been my good friend. Crazy? No. That only illustrates how much she meant in life to so many people. Think of it: she only lived a short time and yet the Lakeside Chapel was packed way beyond compacity for both her funerals. This is only scratching part of the surface of why she intregued so many others, even after she'd gone.She's on my mind constantly, and I've dealt with a number of heartaches, losses and problems just to keep her memory alive on the web. But that is not to say that the reward of having thousands of people see all the effort put into the whole project mean nothing; it couldn't be further from the truth.I work there for Heather because I love what I do and I believe in and love her like she was always in my life. I'll gladly go through more rough waters and turbulant times to survive and promote her life, death, creativity and memory. She is a muse for me from which I cannot run from; a dream I cannot wake from, a beauty I can never take from. So much of that is she and so much is more that I don't know how to express. For, you see, John...one cannot speak for beauty; true beauty speaks for itself.
Current mood: determined
Current music: Carol Anne's Theme
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2:48PM - The Journal in the life of a Dreamer...
Dear Journal,I should think first, you deserve a proper name: John. I hope we can be good friends, you and I. Here and now from this moment until forever begins once more, I will try my hardest to write in you every day. Should I ever be absent I know you will understand. You deserve a great writer to compose in you and fill you up with stories, gossip, idle musings, passing fansies, secrets and adventures. Am I such a writer? I don't know, but I will try to fullfil my promise and earn you as a friend.
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