When nothing goes right and my mouth gets me in trouble again...

I’ve gone and done it again, John…I’m in hot water. I guess I don’t have a right to get frustrated with the things I do in my life. I don’t tell lies to Kathleen. I never have. We don’t talk about the site. Tim is mad at me, and I understand why. Stupid me! Damn, I blew it. I’ll be so glad when Ryan moves in so I can leave the site for good. There’s been such sadness and it wares me down like a file. I think Timby now sees me as slime. I just want a “good job” every now and then. I know he works hard—he does all upgrades and board maintenance, which I can’t do myself because the site is much too huge I would barely know where or how to start. I look forward to leaving more than ever this Spring. I’m no use to anyone at the Heather site anymore—all I am is trouble…Stephen Sands was right all along!

Today, the dreams that are coming...

Today I am doing better.  I no longer dread whatever lurks behind me. Now it seems there's nothing lurking at all.  Tim accidentally deleted some photos last night. It seems that we can all make mistakes no matter how perfect we try to be. There's no such thing as perfection, is in the mind. How very odd that we use human beings need to set the standard for ourselves even though we know we cannot reach it.  

The really wonderful thing about being imperfect is that it makes one a constant learner; I know I learn so much for my own mistakes.  And there’s so much to learn, so much to know; so many positives come from this: that is, being a lifelong learner.  I really hope they keep learning even when I’m 83 years old!  Even if it’s just as simple as a new name or a new phone number -- -- it won’t matter!  Oh, life is so beautiful sometimes! Yes, especially when one is in love, as I am.  It’s been so much fun to look at apartments that, and consider our possibilities in this new exciting adult life.  I never thought I could know it before, or even deserve to know.  The best part is my own views of myself: that is to say, my self esteem, which previously barely even existed, is now for the first time truly been nurtured!  This means that I -- -- yes I -- -- really do feel good about myself for just being me. Maybe I really am a beautiful person, just like Ryan says. I constantly wonder what our future holds, but I am very optimistic.  True, there’s no such thing as perfection, but some things and some people are awfully close!  In my heart of hearts, I know Ryan is!