Late Child Star Heather O'Rourke Writes Outraged Memo to God Upon Learning of 'Poltergeist' Remake
(Defamer
today obtained this memo currently making the rounds in Heaven's Third
District, Cloud Unit G — better known as "Sesame Heaven," or the Late
Child Stars Dept. Reliable afterlife sources have confirmed its
authenticity; we pass it along to you without further comment.)
Dear God,
Hi, God, it's me, Heather O'Rourke — the little girl from Poltergeist.
How's tricks? I know how busy you must be dealing with the whole Isaac
Hayes thing right now (my vote: let him in!), but when you get a
second, I was hoping I might ask you for just one tiny little favor. It
would really mean a lot, and I've been really good all these years and
haven't requested anything except for that pony, but that was, like, 20
years ago when I first got here, and you never got back to me. No
probs, though, God — I'm kinda glad it didn't work out, because now I
need you to do me a much more important solid: Can you please smite the
people responsible for this planned remake of Poltergeist?
I
don't quite know how these things work; Brad Renfro told me you helped
out with his dealer not too long ago, and that depending on my
grievance I could get some "real fucking payback" (his words not mine,
LOL). And I think I've got a pretty strong case. I'm sure you've heard
about all these movies MGM is recycling — Red Dawn, RoboCop,
etc. — which is all pretty tacky, if you ask me. Like, really, God,
aren't there any new ideas? Then I heard this morning that they hired
some writers to remake my movie Poltergeist. I couldn't believe
it! We had such a good thing going back in 1982, and now they're just
gonna go and unimaginatively squeeze another few dollars out of the
property. I'm practically spinning in my grave!
Now listen, God: I have always minded my manners and been nice to
everyone, as per Your dictates. But this really ticks me off, and if
everyone else down on Earth gets to bomb, rape and kill each other with
impunity, I don't see why I can't just this once ask you to strike
someone with lightning or cast them opposite Billy Bob Thornton or at least scare some honest-to-You sense into them. Have you seen Poltergeist,
God? I mean, I know you probably anticipated a lot of the twists, but
didn't we do a good job overall — good enough to be left alone, anyway?
It's not like we made Short Circuit (another forthcoming remake, but that's not my problem) or anything.
And frankly, God, You've already made enough trouble with the whole
curse that brought me and my on-screen sister Dominique Dunne here
prematurely. I think teaching these heathens a lesson would be a
healthy first step in rehabilitating Your image among us.
Anyway, the people at MGM are named Harry Sloan, Mary Parent and
Cale Boyter. The writers' names are Stiles White and Juliet Snowden,
but I guess technically it's not their fault that this is happening, so
please go easy on them — maybe an extended power outage, or an erased
hard drive if they dare to revive my signature line, "They're heeeeeere."
I trust You to determine the punishment for the studio people, though,
especially with those other perversions they've wreaked of late. In
fact, if You could get Tom Cruise himself to kill this project, I promise to clean my room and make my bed and eat my vegetables as long as I... well, You know.
So how about it, God? I'm really a sweet girl, but isn't enough enough? Let me know...
xo,
Heather
PS Leroi Moore, God? Really? That's just mean.
-------------
I don't get this. Why did anyone have to write as if they were Heather? No one can speak for her anymore even if they were trying to be witty, humorous, and had the best intentions. Poltergeist will in all likelyhood, as cheap as Hollywood is, be remade. But leave what may or may not be Heather's opinion on this matter out of it. She couldn't do anything about it even if she was alive today. I wish people would stop speaking for the dead like this. It's not funny. Heather would never wish harm on anyone.
Powered by ScribeFire.
Posts
