Sheer hell, day 2.

I'm still in utter disbelief! Life and the world seem to be mocking me and all my sorrow and pain. Oh, you never think it can happen to you...I mean, I knew something like this had to happen--people lose people, people die every day, every minute...I knew I was bound to lose someone close to me. Eric must've done this to test me and all his loved one's strength and depth of faith.

Oh, God...I hear the song "Starry Night" in my head, the stirring one by Don McLean (he writes such moving songs) and I can only think he was singing not only of the famous Vincent Van Gogh, but of Eric, too...and the millions just like him that take their own lives here in this country alone each year.

Now I understand...
What you tried to say to me...
And how you SUFFERED for your SANITY...
They will not listen, they do not know how...
Perhaps they'll listen now!

...And when NO HOPE WAS LEFT INSIDE
Of that Starry, Starry NIGHT...
You TOOK YOUR LIFE AS LOVERS OFTEN DO...
But, I could've told you, Vincent (Eric),
THIS WORLD WAS NEVER MEANT FOR SOMEONE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU!!!

...NOW I UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU TRIED TO SAY TO ME
AND HOW YOU SUFFERED FOR YOUR SANITY;
THEY WILL NOT LISTEN,
THEY'RE NOT LISTENING STILL--
PERHAPS THEY NEVER WILL!!!

I was never good at saying goodbyes, I never will be, and I'm neither ashamed nor am I proud to admit this. Goodbye is such a permanant word. This can't be the end--I will not let it be the end!!! It's not the end because I still love him and I know he still loves me. Love lasts even beyond death, I know this. I've always known this. I sit here and act like I'm the only person who loved him deeply and is missing him and feeling such agony. No...there are at least hundreds who feel the same way or similar about him and what became of him. His students, his children, his co-workers, his friends, the rest of his family...

Oh, God, how he must have suffered!!! Why didn't he ask for help??? I'd've giving him my life to help him, to save him...hell, to give him just ONE MORE DAY!!!! Wake up, Eric...just wake up...

Or, rest in a peaceful, gentle sleep...one or the other...don't be lost...because you're HOME now...you're HOME..and you'll be waiting there for me just like you were at the end of the Super Pit Tunnel, waiting to greet and embrace me when I graduated...you waited to kiss me, God, how could I ever forget???? I KNOW, I KNOW, I SIMPLY KNOW...when my day comes, too...you'll be there waiting for me. And I know exactly how you'll greet me, too:

(close embrace)

Eric: Oh, little girl, my little squirrel-bait...what took you so long???

And without missing a beat, to you, I'd reply:

Celia: It was you, remember? It was ALWAYS you. You gave me a reason to live life so passionately and for as long as I could. But, hey, I'm here now! Let's laugh again, just like we used to!

Love,

your Celia