Loss and losing...

While I am glad to be home rather than in the hospital, I find it really sad the way an ER only puts a "bandaide on the problem". The night before I went to the hospital, I knew something was wrong. I had been having head rushes all day. It happened even when I sat up, but I didnt want to tell mom or cause anyone to worry. I went to bed at 7:30 and woke up the next morning to take Jenn to school at 6. By the time that night came again, I called mom at work and finally told her "Something isnt right, I think we need to go in".
So Mom came home and we made our way to St. Peters. Itw as packed, and I remember telling mom that  I couldnt handle waiting too long: I would have a panic attack. I have been having some really bad ones, especially at night when I wake myself up to make sure I'm still here. It's like I am terrified to die.
Anyways, they took me into admit me and did my vitals. Heartbeat 47 sitting up. Blood pressure 80/52. And weight 50 Kilos? fully clothed: with shoes, whatever that means.
The lady put me into a wheel chair and instead of going into the waiting room we went right back to a room, where they took blood, gave me an IV and some special medicine that enabled me to get down an Ensure without throwing it up.
After 6 hours, we were sent home and I was exhausted. The ER knew that I was about to have surgery. And they told me that if I needed to, in the mean time, that I could come back in and get IV nutrition once again. And I could keep doing that for as long as we needed to.
I think its pretty sad, that I was as sick as I was, with those vitals: and was sent home with the understanding that "I coudl come back"
With as much as I didnt want to, why didnt they keep me for a few days? Why didnt they give me more of that medicine in the hospital for my stomach so I could drink Ensure in front of them.
Why are they letting me die???? Why are they allowing it???
So now we wait. We wait to find out of this stomach surgery is going to happen. If it doesnt happen, we meet the surgeon for the stomach IV, where I will recieve nutrients Through a tube that sticks out of my stomach(how nice).
Anywyas , I am sooooo tired. I ddont understand, and I've spent that last few days trying to understand and I cant.
I am so scared of my mom not being able to stay with me when we do this gastric pacemaker. But she said her and Jenn would sleep in the car if they had to.
Everyone doesnt want me to die. Everyone is WATCHING me die. Everyone wants me to fight.
How do I fight???
"You're going to disappear" Michelle told me a week ago.
I'm so scared of that coming true.
-Nanny (image placeholder)
I love you, my family, please know you did all you could and you NEVER did anything wrong. YOu did everything right.
And especially:
PS. I will always love YOU. Always. Even tho we are hurting (image placeholder)
My own worries and selfish needs and wants are nothing compared to this sweet woman’s, now fighting for her very life. She’s beginning to die. It hurts. There’s nothing I can do. I can still be her friend, sure, but I can’t add to her life.

I don’t deal well with loss. I’m a depressive. I have a really hard time letting go of people.

I have been doing far too much complaining lately and I vow to myself the only way I’ll do it again is if I know it will literally save my life. I promise no more of that. I don’t know where else to vent my frustrations though. People read this blog of mine, so I have to tone down what I say or else not say it at all.

Sometimes people can say insensitive things without meaning to be that way. I’m still dealing with my personal hell of losing and complete loss. Some days, I think it is going to get better—there are even days when I don’t think about it at all. But some days…it’s like it just happened…I’ll dream he’s still alive and well, and then when I wake up I remember painful reality: he’s dead, and never coming back. It really doesn’t get any easier.

I’m angry, yes, but mostly, just very sad. Please understand, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I just feel extreme sadness and melancholy. It destroys me in ways I can’t understand that I am about to lose 2 people I have come to love deeply! These last 3 months have been nothing short of hell. If it were at all possible, I’d go to hell and back and everywhere in between to bring Eric Bailey back. And if it were at all possible, I’d give Nanny my functioning stomach and large chunks of my vital organs so that she might live another 40 years. That’s what kind of friend I think I am and should be, and believe me I’m not trying to gloat here. I’m nobody, really. I’m reminded so everyday. God, I hope there’s a Heaven or an afterlife! It would be devastating if Eric Bailey and Nancy Kelly had nowhere else to go.

Another Garfield panel I like
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A Garfield comic panel I like.
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When nothing goes right and my mouth gets me in trouble again...

I’ve gone and done it again, John…I’m in hot water. I guess I don’t have a right to get frustrated with the things I do in my life. I don’t tell lies to Kathleen. I never have. We don’t talk about the site. Tim is mad at me, and I understand why. Stupid me! Damn, I blew it. I’ll be so glad when Ryan moves in so I can leave the site for good. There’s been such sadness and it wares me down like a file. I think Timby now sees me as slime. I just want a “good job” every now and then. I know he works hard—he does all upgrades and board maintenance, which I can’t do myself because the site is much too huge I would barely know where or how to start. I look forward to leaving more than ever this Spring. I’m no use to anyone at the Heather site anymore—all I am is trouble…Stephen Sands was right all along!

Today, the dreams that are coming...

Today I am doing better.  I no longer dread whatever lurks behind me. Now it seems there's nothing lurking at all.  Tim accidentally deleted some photos last night. It seems that we can all make mistakes no matter how perfect we try to be. There's no such thing as perfection, is in the mind. How very odd that we use human beings need to set the standard for ourselves even though we know we cannot reach it.  

The really wonderful thing about being imperfect is that it makes one a constant learner; I know I learn so much for my own mistakes.  And there’s so much to learn, so much to know; so many positives come from this: that is, being a lifelong learner.  I really hope they keep learning even when I’m 83 years old!  Even if it’s just as simple as a new name or a new phone number -- -- it won’t matter!  Oh, life is so beautiful sometimes! Yes, especially when one is in love, as I am.  It’s been so much fun to look at apartments that, and consider our possibilities in this new exciting adult life.  I never thought I could know it before, or even deserve to know.  The best part is my own views of myself: that is to say, my self esteem, which previously barely even existed, is now for the first time truly been nurtured!  This means that I -- -- yes I -- -- really do feel good about myself for just being me. Maybe I really am a beautiful person, just like Ryan says. I constantly wonder what our future holds, but I am very optimistic.  True, there’s no such thing as perfection, but some things and some people are awfully close!  In my heart of hearts, I know Ryan is!

'With what I most enjoy contented least'...

That's right, I'm quoting Shakespeare sonnet 29, my favorite sonnet of his here, and there's a very good reason for it...it seems that all my webwork is taking another one of its heavy, taxing tolls on me...it interferes with my close relationships...but I've always known that. It just seems to be doing it so much more here lately. Instead of feeling worthwhile, productive, helpful, accomplished, beautiful, and even proud, I feel...miserable, like I'm really helping no one--least of all me. Instead of geting thank yous and praise, the demands keep coming and the 'what have you done for me latelys'. The more I work and give, the less I am appreciated, the more I seem to let down and disappiont. Is it me...I don't know. I don't really have the drive I need to do this like I used to. My Heather O'Rourke site drives me particularly crazy with this issue. I rarely get thanks for my very hard work there. If it weren't for the fact that I love Heather so very, very much and I know that no one else--except occasionally Paul--works as hard as I do on the site, I would've given it a rest long ago...but I cannot let Heather down. Not when I put so much of my life and effort into her. She, herself, alone makes it worth the lack of praise and thanks.

My mother is again upset with me for the same reason she usually is but she need not worry as I am going to close my account again, and this time forevermore. And it's not like I'm overdrawn this time, either. ''Distructive behavior'' she calls it, as though I am on illegal drugs or self-mutalate myself...well, compulsive, continuous buying is an addiction, but not one that disrupts and gambles with my health like a substance abuse problem. But it is a problem, yes, and it causes me emotional anguish. I have a feeling this problem of mine is not superifical, nor is it easily fixable--it is psychological. I do not say this to lean on a false crutch. I don't feel as if I'm fabricating this although I can hear my mother laughing bitterly and saying, ''bullshit, daughter'' so it's more than likely best that she not know my theory on why I do this so much. It could be that I am so lonely I want to get any sort of attention from her, be it positive or negative. I am not entirely sure.

I seem to rarely get any positive attention by day. I have always prefered evenings and nights over the garish, demanding, rude day for it is then that I am reminded that I AM loved indeed. I can be simply myself at night and finally wear no masks, no brave, stoic or business-like faces. The night is my ally; it belongs to me. I can recharge my ''batteries'' and forget who I am and my problems and troubles most times when I am asleep. Night is bliss compared to hellish day.

Ay, my ranting is almost spent...hooray, hurrah, hoo-zay, huzzah...I am deeply cleansed once more by the river of my own words.

My sister, the news journalist...

U. Michigan researchers propose solution to spam e-mail
By Chloe Foster
Michigan Daily (U. Michigan)
06/14/2004

(U-WIRE) ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The battle between the common Internet user and spam e-mail drags on — a state of war in which there are no rules and no higher authority to whom one can appeal for justice.

But a research team at the University's School of Information suggests that some level of accord may be in sight.

Doctoral students Thede Loder and Rick Walsh and Assistant Professor Marshall Van Alstyne said their solution for reducing spam is setting a price for spam senders in hopes that sending spam will ultimately become too expensive.

"This mechanism hits spammers where it hurts most — their wallets," Van Alstyne said.

The team's plan is called Attention Bond Mechanism and is unique because it is designed to strike a deal between e-mail senders and the recipients by requiring senders to pay those recipients who do not want their email.

(The purpose of ABM is) "to provide an efficient means for two parties to discover if they have a potentially fruitful relationship (where both might benefit), while forcing senders to think carefully about who is receiving their e-mails so that they do not waste the time, effort and resources of the intended recipient," Loder said.

The ABM software will filter the inbox, noting which senders are not pre-approved by the user, or not on their "whitelist." When a spammer sends an e-mail to someone who has not already agreed to receive the message, ABM will send the spammer a "challenge message."

Loder said the the message will read, "Dear sender of an e-mail, you have attempted to contact a user of ABM, but this user does not have you listed as someone pre-approved for contact. If you still wish to reach this person, please authorize the transfer of 10 cents to his escrow account, then resend the e-mail and reference your proof of payment."

He added, however, that the 10 cents is an arbitrary number. The ABM user decides how much an email sender must risk in order to send the e-mail successfully. Therefore, if an ABM user sets his price at 60 cents per message, senders who are only willing to pay an amount lower than this sum will not have access to the user's inbox.

Once the sender receives the challenge message and decides it is worth risking whatever sum of money the ABM user has posted, the sender authorizes the payment and resends the message. If the user decides not to accept the message or that the message was abhorrent or simply uninteresting, he claims the money.

But will this be forever farewell to "Enlarge your penis" and "Lose 50 pounds in two weeks" e-mails?

"It would certainly reduce the volume of spam because illegitimate senders simply cannot afford to get into anyone's mailbox," said Van Alstyne in a written statement.

"I would like to have access to software like (ABM). Anything that would stop spam because I hate it so much," said LSA senior Dave Mallozzi.

But other students felt that ABM could create problems.

LSA senior Dana Ciccone said that she fears the system may have some unintended effects, such as complicating e-mail communication even further.

"It seems like something that looks good on paper but nothing else," she said.

The next step for the team may be to market their idea, but for now, they said they simply want to provide an impetus for the market and consumers to realize that they can both benefit.

"We're just as tired of spam as anyone else," said Loder, "But if we received 50 cents for each spam, that might be tolerable."

Spam now represents about half of all e-mail traffic on the Internet, according to Brightmail Communications, a company that provides software for secure e-mail exchange.

Copyright ©2004 Michigan Daily via UWire
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Spacecraft to Mercury lifts off
By Chloe Foster
Michigan Daily (U. Michigan)
08/02/2004

(U-WIRE) ANN ARBOR, Mich. — MESSENGER — a spacecraft designed to capture photographs and other data of Mercury — begins its itinerant journey to the planet Monday, making it the first spacecraft to travel there since the National Aeronautics and Space Administration sent Mariner 10 in 1973.

MESSENGER, designed to provide scientists with more detailed observations of Mercury, includes an instrument created by University scientists, called Fast Imaging Plasma Spectrometer.

Engendered to capture photographs and other data from a planet, flyby spacecrafts like MESSENGER encounter a wide variety of tumult and hazard in its lifetime. Faced with strong solar winds, high radiation levels and extreme temperatures, the spacecrafts must be designed specifically to avoid calamity while sending valuable information back to Earth. NASA has sent more than 20 flyby spacecrafts into our solar system.

The Solar Helospheric Research Group, made up of faculty and students from the department of Atmospheric, Oceanic and Space Sciences at the University of Michigan, has developed FIPS in part to be a solution to the hostile environment a spacecraft encounters while circling Mercury. Because of its proximity to the sun, the plasma surrounding Mercury is characterized by extremely hot temperatures and high density. FIPS has the capability to counter these harsh conditions while providing scientists with highly accurate measurements of Mercury's atmosphere.

Pat Koehn, assistant resident scientist on the Research Group, said FIPS acts like a camera, recording the mass, direction and speed of particles floating around Mercury's orbit. It will also determine exactly what type of particles exist in its atmosphere.

In NASA's first attempt to glean information from Mercury 30 years ago, the plasma spectromete — Mariner 10's instrument comparable to FIPS, did not work because the door failed to open, Koehn said.

"Mariner 10 only did three flybys of the planet, but MESSENGER will be in orbit for at least one earth year — roughly four Mercury years. This trip to Mercury will be different in every way imaginable," he said.

One of the key goals of MESSENGER is to understand Mercury's surface, said Thomas Zurbuchen, a member of the team and an associate professor in the department of Atmospheric, Oceanic and Space Sciences. His team and NASA expect the spacecraft to return to Earth with high resolution maps and more information on Mercury's magnetic field.

Of the terrestrial planets Earth, Mercury, Mars and Venus, Mercury is the smallest. It also has the oldest surface and the most extreme variability in temperature, ranging from -297 to 800 degrees Farenheit. Because of this severe climate, Mercury has long been a mystery to scientists.

"Mercury still stands out as a fascinating story to tell. MESSENGER should complete the detailed exploration of the inner solar system - our planetary backyard - and help us to understand forces that shaped planets like our own," said Orlando Figueroa, director of Solar System Exploration Division at NASA, in a press release.

For the past 30 years, scientists at the University have been involved in nearly every major space project, Koehn said. Most recently, the University has contributed to CASSINI, a spacecraft that penetrated Saturn's orbit in June 2004 and Galileo, which entered Jupiter's atmosphere in September 2003.

"We here at U of M are specializing in understanding and predicting the space environment of planets, most importantly, the Earth," said Zurbuchen.

MESSENGER is scheduled to launch from Cape Canaveral Air Force Station, Fla. during a 13-day period that opens August 2, 2004. A year later, it will return to Earth for a gravity boost, then fly past Venus twice, in October 2006 and June 2007. It will finally reach Mercury in 2011.

Copyright ©2004 Michigan Daily via UWire
-----------------------------------------
Newdow protests Pledge of Allegiance


Newdow gives a lecture entitled "Upholding the Constitution: One Man's Pledge of Allegiance" at Hutchins Hall yesterday. (SHUBRA OHRI/Daily)

By Chloe Foster and Michael Lacher, Daily Staff Reporters

February 02, 2005

With an acoustic guitar and harmonica, constitutional activist Michael Newdow stood before a crowd of students in Hutchins Hall yesterday afternoon and crooned his song “Pledge of Allegiance Blues.”

Newdow, however, was there not only to entertain, but to talk about his ongoing struggle to remove “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance.

Newdow, a Law School alum, lectured yesterday about his efforts to uphold the establishment clause, which forbids Congress from making a law that establishes a national religion.

“I don’t consider myself an atheist activist, I consider myself an Establishment Clause activist,” Newdow said.

Last year, in the case of Elk Grove Unified School District v. Newdow, Newdow represented himself at the U.S. Supreme Court, and challenged the constitutionality of the phrase “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance, arguing that it was religious indoctrination of his 10-year-old daughter.

Newdow’s case was rejected in an 8-0 decision, on the grounds that he lacked standing, or the right to file suit, because he was not the legal guardian of his daughter.

Three justices, Clarence Thomas, Sandra Day O’Connor and William Rehnquist, opined that the phrase has historical significance to the nation and is therefore not unconstitutional.

“Under God” was added to the pledge on Flag Day in 1954 by an act of Congress.

“The pledge is a declaration of belief in allegiance and loyalty to the United States flag and the Republic that it represents. The phrase ‘under God’ is in no sense a prayer, nor an endorsement of any religion,” Rehnquist wrote in the opinion.

Five justices, John Paul Stevens, Anthony Kennedy, David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Stephen Breyer rejected the case on standing while Justice Antonin Scalia did not hear the case because he publicly denounced the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeal’s decision, which ruled in favor of Newdow, before the case came to the Supreme Court.

Because the majority of the justices did not rule on the constitutionality of the phrase ‘under God,’ the same case can be brought up again.

“I imagine the court was relieved to find a way to dismiss this case on standing, but they may not be able to avoid the question much longer,” Law School prof. Chris Whitman said.

Newdow expressed his intent to continue fighting the phrase. “I plan on continuing the case in every circuit in the nation,” Newdow said.

Most recently, Newdow challenged the recital of a prayer at the presidential inauguration. He compared the inaugural prayer to prayers before high school football games and at commencement ceremonies, which have been deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. His request for an injunction to stop the prayer was rejected, but he said the case is still alive.

Newdow said the Constitution and the intents of the founding fathers’ bolster his case.

“I have the Constitution on my side. When it was written, it was clear the founding fathers wanted the separation of church and state,” he said.

He praised the Constitution, calling it “a phenomenal document.”

“To think our country is based on those 4,500 words is pretty amazing,” Newdow said.

The audience was generally supportive of Newdow’s aims.

“What he’s doing is really important, and his speech was enlightening,” law student Trish Rich said.

She said the argument that tradition or ceremony can defend religious language in state-sponsored activities is invalid.

“This causes non-Christians to be demonized,” she added.

Some students, however, voiced mild concern about Newdow’s activism.

“I think he is before his time. I agree that state and religion should be separate, but he may have polarized too many people,” LSA sophomore Peter Pienkowski said.

Newdow will speak again today at noon about the American family law system in Room 218 of Hutchins Hall.
Newdow protests Pledge of Allegiance

All the comforts of home � Larry Oberle, left, and Theron Palmer, UNT doctoral student and driver of UNT's Mean Green Environmental Machine, will be the official drivers of the Winspear bus, UNT's posh new travel option.
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A screen cap I took of my stepdad, Theron Lee Palmer, Jr.'s webpage on the University of North Texas' official website. The picture he chose, the one of Flap the bluejay on his chest, is so hilarious.
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My mom...my first moon in the world.
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Mom's article on the UNT website

Elida Tamez: Building a sanctuary in the city



Elida Tamez, director of development for the College of Music, enjoys the peace and serenity of one of four gardens she has created outside her Denton home.


Elida Tamez, director of development for the College of Music, describes her position at UNT as her "third incarnation" at the university.

She received bachelor's degrees in both history and English from North Texas in 1981, became a trade book manager with the University Bookstore in 1988, and obtained her current position with the College of Music in 2000.

James Scott, dean of the College of Music, says Tamez's enthusiasm for her job and the university is highlighted in her work.

"She is a splendid development officer who wins the friendship and respect of all those with whom she works," says Scott. "She has an unflagging dedication to the College of Music and UNT."

As a director of development Tamez solicits donations for the College of Music from alumni, friends of UNT and various corporations. Whether she extends an invitation to a concert, dinner or reception, she helps gather donors interested in the advancement and success of the music program and the university.

Tamez is a longtime UNT community member and Denton resident. For the past 20 years she has lived in a 1600-square-foot home built in 1928, located five blocks from the Courthouse Square.

"When I first saw the house, there was something that compelled me to buy it," says Tamez. "I wanted to make that house my home."

The California bungalow-style home has hardwood floors, built-in bookshelves and archways uncommon in more modern homes. The last major renovation to the house was in 1940, though Tamez has continued to modernize the home.

She and her husband, Theron Palmer, have replaced a bay window with French doors that open onto a newly constructed deck overlooking their gardens.

The four gardens, which she created with the help of her husband, a graduate student in environmental science at UNT, are Tamez's most prized renovations and the focal point of the home.

"I wanted to utilize the outside of the home and treat the yard as an extension of the house," Tamez says. "I think of them as outdoor rooms."

Much of Tamez's time is spent on activities that involve her love of plants and landscaping. She develops her passion for gardening by reading horticulture books and magazines and by researching native Texas plants. She also travels to nurseries throughout Texas for ideas for her landscape gardens.

"When I am in my home, I feel really good," Tamez says. "I consider it my sanctuary in the city."

A screen cap of my findagrave.com memorial for my beloved teacher and friend, Eric Bailey. He was my theater arts teacher from 1997-1999 and my friend from 1997-2005
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The url to his findagrave memorial is here
http://findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GSmid=11564724&GRid=12344097&

in case anyone wants to leave him a note and virtual flowers. Thanks.

It's *still* so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

Eric Martin Bailey

ERIC MARTIN BAILEY, 41, passed away Sunday, November 13, 2005, at his home in Denton. Funeral services will be held at 2 p.m. Thursday, November 17, at First Baptist Church in Graham with the Rev. Chad Stubblefield of Loving Baptist Church officiating with the assistance of the Rev. Gary Tull of First Baptist Church. Burial will follow at Graceland Cemetery in Jermyn. Arrangements are under the direction of Morrison Funeral Home. A memorial service will be held at 7 p.m. Friday, November 18, at the University of North Texas Student Union Lyceum Building in Denton. Eric was born, April 27, 1964, in Bethesda, Maryland. He moved to Texas in 1971. He graduated from Bryson High School in 1982. He graduated from Midwestern State University in 1996 with a bachelor’s degree in theatre and speech. He also did graduate work at the University of North Texas, University London, Kings College Chelsea and Oxford University. He joined the Denton community in 1997 as a theatre specialist for the DISD. As Director of Theatre at Denton High School he sponsored or coached UIL One Act play, UIL Prose, UIL Poetry, Java Cafe, Children’s Theatre Workshop and many more. For his service and devotion to his students he was recognized as Denton High School’s “Most Inspirational” teacher in 2005, Texas Teacher of the Year 2004 (Educational Theatre Association) and Denton High School’s “Most Talented Teacher” 1998-2004. He was also interim director for the Denton Community Theatre. He also received the Greater Denton Arts Council’s Community Arts Recognition Award (CARA) for education in February 2005. Eric was preceded in death by a son, Eric Martin Bailey Jr., and his father, Frankie Weldon Bailey. Survivors include his mother, Kay Shepard and stepfather, Mark Shepard, both of Graham; a son, Taylor Bailey of Evansville, Indiana; a daughter, Jordan Bailey of Henrietta; and their mother, Joy Hicks of Henrietta; two brothers, Frankie Bailey and wife Lisa and Brandon Bailey and wife Susan, all of Graham; a sister, Kelly Smith and husband Jason of Graham; his grandmother, Vestal “MeMe” Martin of Abilene; four nieces, Kylie, Sadie and Mackenzie Bailey and Reagan Romines, all of Graham; and three nephews, Brant, Cameron and Corbin Bailey, all of Graham.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I know, it's been over 2 months now...but it still hurts as much as it ever did.

And God, the dream I had of him just maybe 4 nights ago still haunts me. I witnessed his horrific death...it happened right there in front of me and I was powerless to stop it.

It was a few days before terrible November 13, 2005. I was there, back in time, and I warned Eric myself, bringing all the newpaper clippings myself. Thank God, in this case, in my dream, he believed me. He probably wouldn't have if it actually were possible for me to time travel like that.

Somehow, I was back at my childhood home in Denton, there on 505 Parkway Street, and I could see Eric running down the sidewalk to exclaim joyfully that he had made it though the day that would've otherwise been his last day on Earth in this life with that big, sweet, beaming grin on his face...but then, at the same time, a car sped up behind him down the street and someone in the car pointed a gun at his neck and shot him--he died instantly.

I remember nothing until abuptly I was sitting in my room where it was pitch dark and icy cold. Then, my mother came through the door and she said, ''It's been 4 days already, Celia, you need to leave your room and get over it.''

''I missed his funeral, didn't I,'' I asked, but it was much more a statment than a question.

''Yes, now COME OUT OF HERE,'' she huffed.

But all I did was choke and bawl fresh sobs. I remember nothing else of this dream.

---------------------------

IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY

Boyz II MEN

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
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So, I took the ubiquitious self-servy and...

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Celia Nancy Foster
Birthday:	May 25 1982
Birthplace:	Denton, TX
Current Location:	Corpus Christi, TX
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	4'9 or so
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Left
Your Heritage:	Mexican-Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	didn't wear shoes today
Your Weakness:	ebay, aquiesence
Your Fears:	abandonment, roaches, failing
Your Perfect Pizza:	canadian bacon & pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	live with my boyfriend
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	I gotta go now.
Thoughts First Waking Up:	How can I help today?
Your Best Physical Feature:	my hair, I guess
Your Bedtime:	2 AM
Your Most Missed Memory:	when I was 13 and in the 8th grade
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Hell, yes, I do!
Do you Sing:	Yes, and I'm mediocre, too!
Do you Shower Daily:	No
Have you Been in Love:	YES!
Do you want to go to College:	YES!
Do you want to get Married:	Yes, but no
Do you belive in yourself:	Most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness:	YES!
Do you think you are Attractive:	Sometimes
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Most of the time
Do you like Thunderstorms:	No
Do you play an Instrument:	No
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No, I miss it
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	No
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes
Ever been Beaten up:	No
Ever Shoplifted:	No
How do you want to Die:	laughing very, very hard
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	um, I am grown up...so...just wanna be happy
What country would you most like to Visit:	Italy
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	doesn't matter
Favourite Hair Color:	doesn't matter
Short or Long Hair:	doesn't matter
Height:	doesn't matter
Weight:	doesn't matter
Best Clothing Style:
Number of Drugs I have taken:	huh?
Number of CDs I own:	quite a few
Number of Piercings:	0
Number of Tattoos:	0
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	about 4
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

In 2005, I have done the following things...

In 2005 I've....
() smoked a cigar
() made out with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
() been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
() been in a fist fight
() smoked a cigarette
() got drunk
() snuck out of my parent's house
() had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
() made out with a stranger
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
() had a crush on a teacher
( ) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been to a funeral
(x ) had a crush on one of your internet friends
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( x) met someone in person from the internet
() been moshing at a concert
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
() laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
() made a snow angel
() had a tea party
( ) flown a kite
( ) built a sand castle
() played dress up with toddler cousins
( ) jumped into a pile of sparkly, hairy, skunk smelly leaves
( ) gone coke sledding
() cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
() fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
( ) touched a snake
() slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled() been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer/goat
() won a contest
() run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
() been in a car/motorcycle accident
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
() danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
() witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced not for real but u kno
(x) questioned your heart
() been obsessed with post-it notes
( ) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
( ) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
( x) cried yourself to sleep
() played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
() paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
() made prank phone calls
(x ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
() caught a snowflake on your tongue
() danced in the rain
() written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
() watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles(x ) made a bonfire on the beach
() crashed a party
() gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) worn "pearls"
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
() told a complete stranger you loved them
() kissed a mirror
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
() worn the opposite sexes clothes( ) been a cheerleader
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
( ) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
() scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts() have more then 30 pairs of shoes
() worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
() gone streaking
() played ding-dong-ditch
(x) played chicken
( ) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
() broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x ) cried so much you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone(x) had someone moon/flash you
() cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
() played monopoly
() hated your best friend
( ) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend

To remember 2005... repost this

I'M ACTUALLY MARRIGE MATERIAL??? Huh!

What does your score mean?

You're bound to have marriage proposals flying at you left and right when the world finds out what fabulous marriage material you are (if it's not happening already!). According to your score, you'd be an extremely giving, loving, attentive life partner to anyone you decide to devote yourself to. Your main goal in the relationship would be to make your spouse's life more comfortable, more enjoyable - an all-around marital heaven. If you've already tied the knot, your partner must be glowing over the great "catch" they made. If you're still unattached, however, you are either the epitome of the perfect spouse or you have idealized hitched life to the point that you think it'll bring out this perfectly angelic side of your personality. Remember, marriage is real-life, and you will still have your own needs to satisfy. In fact, whether single or married, this is an important point to ponder; are you (or would you) constantly put your spouse's desires ahead of your own? Would you, for example, have a late night romp in the bedroom whenever your partner had the urge, even if you were exhausted or just not up to it? Would you give up things that were important to you just to please or spend more time with your spouse? This can be the dangerous side of 100% marital devotion - lose your sense of self, and the marriage itself can wither up. Maintain your identity and a level of independence and your marriage will be all the stronger for it.

I must be very weird...

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

It's 3 in the morning...

I feel like Leonard Cohen singing ''Famous Blue Raincoat''; and, just in case you were wondering, yes, it IS really past 3 o'clock in the morning for me as I write this entry. I just got home here to my little apartment from my holiday excursions from CC to DAL to FLA back to DAL and finally back to CC again...whew...I am a tired lady.

Visiting Ryan was very special and so much fun; I have never been to Florida before. There were many plants esp. trees that I have never seen in my life. Such unknown greenery and magical flora.

Mom is doing wonderfully well on her new treatment...her tumors are even shrinking which is much better than at least my own highest hope for her and her God awful disease. I am quite thankful for that. Chloe was her usual self to me...fun-loving but very parental...and uncomfortably so. Dad has been remarkably better than he has been in holiday's past and I am also quite glad of that.

Two things haunt me, though...

what an ex-friend said to me recently and what a current friend said.

''bitch''--''don't ever call me again here''

''bitch''--I know I hurt him, and badly, but it's been, what, 2 years...I guess he'll never forgive me. I have to accept that even thought it hurts...like wicked hell. He actually hates me, like I poisoned his cat, Kitty BB. sigh, oh, well...

''don't ever call me here again''--Granted, he is a teacher, and teachers are usually more than a little uptight about anyone outside blood relatives and close friends calling them, but...geez...I just wanted to hear his voice. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG of me, I know. What if I didn't have online access anymore...I suppose I'd be forced to fade away into the volumes of his memory, to become as distant as the past, as embraceable as last night's dream. sigh...

Things will change radically for me in 2006--early 2006 at that. I have many tough choices to make; I hope I indeed make the right ones or at least the overall best ones for me. I will of course think of Ryan and others too with every important decision I make in these months to come.