Something that I've never been able to put my finger on happened between my mother and me in my teen years. I want to feel close to her, but I don't. Not that I haven't tried. I just can't explain things in the right way to her. I do love her, but much more than that, I have a deep fear of her. Why? I'll try and explain.
I get the feeling I really don't have her full acceptance of who I am. I'm not very decisive and I can take a while to do things. Everything I do or don't do depends on how I feel. I'm sensitive. If I don't feel like doing something right away, I won't. People mistake this for laziness. I beg to differ. It's called depression and it's also called I have a disability which makes it difficult to get things done.
Mom wants me to more than anything go back to college. I do too, but I'm being realistic about it. I want to go at my own pace and figure out how to pay my own way. That way, I owe no one money. Especially not mom. If I somehow failed a course or courses, she'd ask me to pay every cent back and be very disappointed in me and make darn sure I knew it. I don't need her money anyway.
I learned to know that when she called me, either it meant that someone died or I messed up money-wise. In the 3 years I lived in Corpus Christi, I became addicted to ebay and I often overspent what was in my bank account. It was a terrible compulsion. Mom would call to inform me and then tell me how disappointed she was in me, that what I was doing was illegal, etc. I felt horrible. I deserved it. She would bail me out everytime, something I never deserved nor asked for.
Well, all that changed in me when I met Ryan. At last, I had every reason to clean up and save money and I have. What I didn't know would happen was that I was still linked to the old Wellsfargo account and that Paypal would withdraw funds from that old account. It did, and I felt like the foolish girl I was in Corpus Christi a few years back because mom called. I owed her money again which I've paid her back. It's humiliating. She already sees me as irresponsible. I never intended to spend from that account. And so much slipped out of my mouth I wish I never said that night. I don't hate you mom, I'm just afraid of your judgement. Deathly afraid of it. I know I shouldn't care about it.
I long so much for the day when I can go with Mom to M.D. Anderson. Every family member has gone with her except for me. I want to go because I love her and support her and want her so much to be cancer free. Someday, I'll finally be allowed to go and I won't burden anyone by going.
Mom, I don't want to fear you anymore. I just want to love you. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.
I get the feeling I really don't have her full acceptance of who I am. I'm not very decisive and I can take a while to do things. Everything I do or don't do depends on how I feel. I'm sensitive. If I don't feel like doing something right away, I won't. People mistake this for laziness. I beg to differ. It's called depression and it's also called I have a disability which makes it difficult to get things done.
Mom wants me to more than anything go back to college. I do too, but I'm being realistic about it. I want to go at my own pace and figure out how to pay my own way. That way, I owe no one money. Especially not mom. If I somehow failed a course or courses, she'd ask me to pay every cent back and be very disappointed in me and make darn sure I knew it. I don't need her money anyway.
I learned to know that when she called me, either it meant that someone died or I messed up money-wise. In the 3 years I lived in Corpus Christi, I became addicted to ebay and I often overspent what was in my bank account. It was a terrible compulsion. Mom would call to inform me and then tell me how disappointed she was in me, that what I was doing was illegal, etc. I felt horrible. I deserved it. She would bail me out everytime, something I never deserved nor asked for.
Well, all that changed in me when I met Ryan. At last, I had every reason to clean up and save money and I have. What I didn't know would happen was that I was still linked to the old Wellsfargo account and that Paypal would withdraw funds from that old account. It did, and I felt like the foolish girl I was in Corpus Christi a few years back because mom called. I owed her money again which I've paid her back. It's humiliating. She already sees me as irresponsible. I never intended to spend from that account. And so much slipped out of my mouth I wish I never said that night. I don't hate you mom, I'm just afraid of your judgement. Deathly afraid of it. I know I shouldn't care about it.
I long so much for the day when I can go with Mom to M.D. Anderson. Every family member has gone with her except for me. I want to go because I love her and support her and want her so much to be cancer free. Someday, I'll finally be allowed to go and I won't burden anyone by going.
Mom, I don't want to fear you anymore. I just want to love you. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.
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