While I am glad to be home rather than in the hospital, I find it really sad the way an ER only puts a "bandaide on the problem". The night before I went to the hospital, I knew something was wrong. I had been having head rushes all day. It happened even when I sat up, but I didnt want to tell mom or cause anyone to worry. I went to bed at 7:30 and woke up the next morning to take Jenn to school at 6. By the time that night came again, I called mom at work and finally told her "Something isnt right, I think we need to go in".
So Mom came home and we made our way to St. Peters. Itw as packed, and I remember telling mom that I couldnt handle waiting too long: I would have a panic attack. I have been having some really bad ones, especially at night when I wake myself up to make sure I'm still here. It's like I am terrified to die.
Anyways, they took me into admit me and did my vitals. Heartbeat 47 sitting up. Blood pressure 80/52. And weight 50 Kilos? fully clothed: with shoes, whatever that means.
The lady put me into a wheel chair and instead of going into the waiting room we went right back to a room, where they took blood, gave me an IV and some special medicine that enabled me to get down an Ensure without throwing it up.
After 6 hours, we were sent home and I was exhausted. The ER knew that I was about to have surgery. And they told me that if I needed to, in the mean time, that I could come back in and get IV nutrition once again. And I could keep doing that for as long as we needed to.
I think its pretty sad, that I was as sick as I was, with those vitals: and was sent home with the understanding that "I coudl come back"
With as much as I didnt want to, why didnt they keep me for a few days? Why didnt they give me more of that medicine in the hospital for my stomach so I could drink Ensure in front of them.
Why are they letting me die???? Why are they allowing it???
So now we wait. We wait to find out of this stomach surgery is going to happen. If it doesnt happen, we meet the surgeon for the stomach IV, where I will recieve nutrients Through a tube that sticks out of my stomach(how nice).
Anywyas , I am sooooo tired. I ddont understand, and I've spent that last few days trying to understand and I cant.
I am so scared of my mom not being able to stay with me when we do this gastric pacemaker. But she said her and Jenn would sleep in the car if they had to.
Everyone doesnt want me to die. Everyone is WATCHING me die. Everyone wants me to fight.
How do I fight???
"You're going to disappear" Michelle told me a week ago.
I'm so scared of that coming true.
-Nanny (image placeholder)
I love you, my family, please know you did all you could and you NEVER did anything wrong. YOu did everything right.
And especially:
PS. I will always love YOU. Always. Even tho we are hurting (image placeholder)
My own worries and selfish needs and wants are nothing compared to this sweet woman’s, now fighting for her very life. She’s beginning to die. It hurts. There’s nothing I can do. I can still be her friend, sure, but I can’t add to her life.
I don’t deal well with loss. I’m a depressive. I have a really hard time letting go of people.
I have been doing far too much complaining lately and I vow to myself the only way I’ll do it again is if I know it will literally save my life. I promise no more of that. I don’t know where else to vent my frustrations though. People read this blog of mine, so I have to tone down what I say or else not say it at all.
Sometimes people can say insensitive things without meaning to be that way. I’m still dealing with my personal hell of losing and complete loss. Some days, I think it is going to get better—there are even days when I don’t think about it at all. But some days…it’s like it just happened…I’ll dream he’s still alive and well, and then when I wake up I remember painful reality: he’s dead, and never coming back. It really doesn’t get any easier.
I’m angry, yes, but mostly, just very sad. Please understand, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I just feel extreme sadness and melancholy. It destroys me in ways I can’t understand that I am about to lose 2 people I have come to love deeply! These last 3 months have been nothing short of hell. If it were at all possible, I’d go to hell and back and everywhere in between to bring Eric Bailey back. And if it were at all possible, I’d give Nanny my functioning stomach and large chunks of my vital organs so that she might live another 40 years. That’s what kind of friend I think I am and should be, and believe me I’m not trying to gloat here. I’m nobody, really. I’m reminded so everyday. God, I hope there’s a Heaven or an afterlife! It would be devastating if Eric Bailey and Nancy Kelly had nowhere else to go.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
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