It's 3 in the morning...

I feel like Leonard Cohen singing ''Famous Blue Raincoat''; and, just in case you were wondering, yes, it IS really past 3 o'clock in the morning for me as I write this entry. I just got home here to my little apartment from my holiday excursions from CC to DAL to FLA back to DAL and finally back to CC again...whew...I am a tired lady.

Visiting Ryan was very special and so much fun; I have never been to Florida before. There were many plants esp. trees that I have never seen in my life. Such unknown greenery and magical flora.

Mom is doing wonderfully well on her new treatment...her tumors are even shrinking which is much better than at least my own highest hope for her and her God awful disease. I am quite thankful for that. Chloe was her usual self to me...fun-loving but very parental...and uncomfortably so. Dad has been remarkably better than he has been in holiday's past and I am also quite glad of that.

Two things haunt me, though...

what an ex-friend said to me recently and what a current friend said.

''bitch''--''don't ever call me again here''

''bitch''--I know I hurt him, and badly, but it's been, what, 2 years...I guess he'll never forgive me. I have to accept that even thought it hurts...like wicked hell. He actually hates me, like I poisoned his cat, Kitty BB. sigh, oh, well...

''don't ever call me here again''--Granted, he is a teacher, and teachers are usually more than a little uptight about anyone outside blood relatives and close friends calling them, but...geez...I just wanted to hear his voice. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG of me, I know. What if I didn't have online access anymore...I suppose I'd be forced to fade away into the volumes of his memory, to become as distant as the past, as embraceable as last night's dream. sigh...

Things will change radically for me in 2006--early 2006 at that. I have many tough choices to make; I hope I indeed make the right ones or at least the overall best ones for me. I will of course think of Ryan and others too with every important decision I make in these months to come.