Something that I've never been able to put my finger on happened between my mother and me in my teen years. I want to feel close to her, but I don't. Not that I haven't tried. I just can't explain things in the right way to her. I do love her, but much more than that, I have a deep fear of her. Why? I'll try and explain.
I get the feeling I really don't have her full acceptance of who I am. I'm not very decisive and I can take a while to do things. Everything I do or don't do depends on how I feel. I'm sensitive. If I don't feel like doing something right away, I won't. People mistake this for laziness. I beg to differ. It's called depression and it's also called I have a disability which makes it difficult to get things done.
Mom wants me to more than anything go back to college. I do too, but I'm being realistic about it. I want to go at my own pace and figure out how to pay my own way. That way, I owe no one money. Especially not mom. If I somehow failed a course or courses, she'd ask me to pay every cent back and be very disappointed in me and make darn sure I knew it. I don't need her money anyway.
I learned to know that when she called me, either it meant that someone died or I messed up money-wise. In the 3 years I lived in Corpus Christi, I became addicted to ebay and I often overspent what was in my bank account. It was a terrible compulsion. Mom would call to inform me and then tell me how disappointed she was in me, that what I was doing was illegal, etc. I felt horrible. I deserved it. She would bail me out everytime, something I never deserved nor asked for.
Well, all that changed in me when I met Ryan. At last, I had every reason to clean up and save money and I have. What I didn't know would happen was that I was still linked to the old Wellsfargo account and that Paypal would withdraw funds from that old account. It did, and I felt like the foolish girl I was in Corpus Christi a few years back because mom called. I owed her money again which I've paid her back. It's humiliating. She already sees me as irresponsible. I never intended to spend from that account. And so much slipped out of my mouth I wish I never said that night. I don't hate you mom, I'm just afraid of your judgement. Deathly afraid of it. I know I shouldn't care about it.
I long so much for the day when I can go with Mom to M.D. Anderson. Every family member has gone with her except for me. I want to go because I love her and support her and want her so much to be cancer free. Someday, I'll finally be allowed to go and I won't burden anyone by going.
Mom, I don't want to fear you anymore. I just want to love you. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.
I get the feeling I really don't have her full acceptance of who I am. I'm not very decisive and I can take a while to do things. Everything I do or don't do depends on how I feel. I'm sensitive. If I don't feel like doing something right away, I won't. People mistake this for laziness. I beg to differ. It's called depression and it's also called I have a disability which makes it difficult to get things done.
Mom wants me to more than anything go back to college. I do too, but I'm being realistic about it. I want to go at my own pace and figure out how to pay my own way. That way, I owe no one money. Especially not mom. If I somehow failed a course or courses, she'd ask me to pay every cent back and be very disappointed in me and make darn sure I knew it. I don't need her money anyway.
I learned to know that when she called me, either it meant that someone died or I messed up money-wise. In the 3 years I lived in Corpus Christi, I became addicted to ebay and I often overspent what was in my bank account. It was a terrible compulsion. Mom would call to inform me and then tell me how disappointed she was in me, that what I was doing was illegal, etc. I felt horrible. I deserved it. She would bail me out everytime, something I never deserved nor asked for.
Well, all that changed in me when I met Ryan. At last, I had every reason to clean up and save money and I have. What I didn't know would happen was that I was still linked to the old Wellsfargo account and that Paypal would withdraw funds from that old account. It did, and I felt like the foolish girl I was in Corpus Christi a few years back because mom called. I owed her money again which I've paid her back. It's humiliating. She already sees me as irresponsible. I never intended to spend from that account. And so much slipped out of my mouth I wish I never said that night. I don't hate you mom, I'm just afraid of your judgement. Deathly afraid of it. I know I shouldn't care about it.
I long so much for the day when I can go with Mom to M.D. Anderson. Every family member has gone with her except for me. I want to go because I love her and support her and want her so much to be cancer free. Someday, I'll finally be allowed to go and I won't burden anyone by going.
Mom, I don't want to fear you anymore. I just want to love you. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.
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3 comments:
Not that it's any of my business, but you linked me to your blog so I say...
It is completely understandable to want acceptance and love from your mother.
I hope that you find true happiness in the future, Celia.
<3 Steph
just go with the flow. The more things we fear, the more silly mistake we tend to make so don't be. Try make u n ur family happy as much as you can. Just make some gud talk to ur family member. You said ur mum always save you, thats mean she loves you.
Deep down we all need the acceptance and approval from our parents. I wish it weren't so, but that's how it is. I hide certain things I do in my life from my parents because I know they'd never approve and be so disappointed in me.
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